


'Big Man'

by midge1



Series: not-cis streamers [1]
Category: Dream SMP - Fandom, Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Coming Out, Enbyinnit, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Isolation, Nonbinary TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Panic Attacks, Protective Technoblade (Video Blogging RPF), Self-Worth Issues, Sleepy Bois Inc Angst, They/Them Pronouns for Eret (Video Blogging RPF), TommyInnit Angst (Video Blogging RPF), TommyInnit-centric (Video Blogging RPF), Trans TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), join my amab nonbinary tommyinnit agenda, somebody need to fix this wtf, what the hell are wrong with these tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-12 20:53:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28641783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midge1/pseuds/midge1
Summary: some nice nonbinary tommyinnit for the soul, but it's angsty af and you get the comfort at the end! aka me projecting onto tommyinnit so they get the acceptance i never will :)))) also eret is in here along with sbi cause they are the best!! join my amab nonbinary tommyinnit agenda!!(tw panic attacks, disassociation, negative self perception and isolation)
Relationships: Eret & Tommyinnit, Eret & Wilbur Soot & Technoblade & TommyInnit & Phil Watson, Technoblade & TommyInnit, Technoblade & TommyInnit & Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Technoblade & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit, Toby Smith | Tubbo & Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit & Phil Watson, TommyInnit & Phil Watson, TommyInnit & Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit
Series: not-cis streamers [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2135067
Comments: 64
Kudos: 1139
Collections: Completed stories I've read





	'Big Man'

Tommy stared at the screen in front of him. He could faintly hear his friends talking and joking in the voice chat, but he couldn’t seem to focus on them. It was creeping past 2:30 am and it appeared most everyone was online, so he joined and stayed quiet as their streams slowed to a stop and people left one by one. Everyone seemed exhausted, and they were just enjoying each other’s company.

It was strange, how he couldn’t focus. He got like this sometimes, when everything was numb and blurry and meaningless. It was quite easy to panic over it, but he made an effort not to this time. He leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes and floated in the void. They must have thought it strange one of the loudest of the group hadn’t said a word tonight, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. The chatter in his ears seemed to fade away as he slowly drifted off.

He was soon jolted out of his peaceful rest by a shout in his ear. He shot up in his seat and blinked at his surroundings. His monitor still glowed, but the rest of his room was dark. He knew the rest of the house would be empty as well. He was completely alone. It was strangely comforting.

The second shout in his ear had him turning back to his computer and turning down the volume. He didn’t know what they were yelling about, but he couldn’t seem to make himself ask. He stayed on mute even as Tubbo asked him how he was doing, and as Sapnap sent a playful joke over at him. As time passed, they seemed to lose interest and just thought he had fallen asleep while still connected. He had done it before and it wasn’t like him to not respond.

He slowly slipped back into the dissociated state again. Every once in a while he could hear snatches of conversation from the others. Most of the time it was poking fun at someone, or a bout of laughter. It made him smile to hear their joy. They rarely got time to enjoy themselves as a group of friends when someone wasn’t streaming.

He could feel himself slowly coming back down to Earth as he sat up and jiggled his mouse to find the cursor. He squinted at the text channels, clicking around before unmuting himself.

“Hey guys, sorry I spaced out. Heading off now, g’night.” He could hear how tired he sounded. He heard the rest of the group say goodbye distantly. The one thing that stood out was when someone called him ‘big man’. It stuck with him and he couldn’t figure out why.

After leaving the call, he leaned back in his chair once more. He huffed out a sharp breath of air. The clouds in his mind would’ve felt soothing if the comment hadn’t stuck with him. It was like an annoying little burr. He couldn’t figure out how or why it was irritating, but it was. When did that start? He had always called other people that, and they called him the same thing in return.

It just felt so wrong. Why was it bothering him this much? How much was it really bothering him? How long had he pushed it down, repressed it for? He couldn’t think back very far before his memories hit a brick wall. His sleep deprived and dissociated-to-hell brain was probably what caused that.

His head wouldn’t leave him alone until he figured it out. Was this why the urge to hang out with his friends had lessened by a lot recently? Had he been subconsciously avoiding it? What was it even?

He scrunched his eyebrows together and stood up. He wrung his hands as he paced the room. Why was he so stuck on it? What was wrong with him? Why couldn’t he just be normal?

He stood stock-still as that last thought hit him like a truck. The hell did that mean? Normal? Was he not normal? No, no-he was completely normal. He was a teenage boy, an annoying one, just like how they were supposed to be. He played video games and hung out with friends and was completely, completely normal.

Tommy strode back across his room to look in his mirror. He had bags under his eyes, and the meager light cast deep shadows across his face. He mussed up his hair from running his hands through it while stressed. Rain pelted the windows, and he shivered as he realized just how cold it was in his room.

He grabbed a hoodie and quickly pulled it on, collapsing back into his gaming chair. He stared at his keyboard and mouse and headphones. They were sitting right there. He could still see a couple of his friends on the call, and he was so, so lonely. But he just couldn’t bring himself to join them. They shouldn’t have to listen and deal with him while he was like this.

As he was trying to warm up his hands, he saw a new message pop up in the text chat.

`Ph1LzA: Oi Tommy, we see you’re still online- get in here, big man.`

His stomach churned. Phil meant well, he knew that. Phil was probably one of the nicest people he had ever met. The man had helped him through more than his own parents ever had. Yet here he was, hesitating.

What was wrong with the message? What was wrong with him? It wasn’t like it was anything out of the ordinary. Phil knew how lonely he got after leaving calls, and if he had actually fallen asleep, his status would’ve shown him as offline. He was just looking out for him.

Was this the same thing from earlier? What was wrong with it? What was rubbing him the wrong way? His skin felt itchy, and he was uncomfortable. This couldn’t have come from being called ‘big man’ again, could it? Normal teenagers wouldn’t care. Normal teenage guys wouldn’t be bothered at all. So why was he? He shouldn’t be bothered. He was just a normal teenage guy. A completely normal teenage—

His mind cut off. It wouldn’t let him finish the thought. It wouldn’t let him lie to himself any longer. He—couldn’t. He?

Oh, _no_. No, no, no, no-no-no, no. No way. This was not happening. It couldn’t be happening. H—he couldn’t let it happen. He couldn’t let himself fall into this spiral. It would be all his fault.

Now that he admitted to himself that maybe, maybe there was something there, it wouldn’t let him go. Every time he referred to himself in the way that he was used to, it grated a little more. He could barely stand it. What was happening?! What was he doing? What has he done?

He was across the room and staring into the mirror again. He stared back out at himself. Arms crossed, slumped posture. What could he do? About this, about anything? What was he doing? What was he supposed to do now that it wouldn’t go away?

Tommy snapped out of his thunderous thoughts by another message in the text chat. He had never responded, but they seemed persistent. He smiled the slightest bit. Maybe hanging out for a bit longer with friends was exactly what he needed.

It was _not_ helpful. It only made him more miserable.

Every. Single. Time. It hurt. _Every_ single time. He had to sit there while it hurt over and over. They didn’t mean to, of course. It wasn’t their fault they didn’t know. But every time Wilbur or Tubbo would call him ‘big man’ it hurt. It hurt when Techno called him an annoying little brother, or when Phil called him his son. It hurt more and more. Things got to the point where he just couldn’t take it anymore.

He had barely said a word the entire time. Just enough to appear present. But it was building inside him, and the fact he knew exactly why did not help in the slightest. He fisted his hands in his hair as he tried to force it out of his mind. He was stuck in the call, in his chair, and in his brain.

His thoughts spiraled in circles over and over again. I am a boy. _I am a boy_. I am a guy, man, not anything else. Nope, definitely not. There was no way. He was a boy. There was no way he was anything else. He was a boy. There was no way he wasn’t a boy.

He let out a shout of frustration as his thoughts turned to exactly where he didn’t want them to go. His hands ripped through his hair as he let his headphones fall to around his neck. His breaths came in brief gasps. It felt like there was no air coming in. He couldn’t breathe. Tommy couldn’t be not a boy. He couldn’t not be a boy! What was wrong with him? Seriously, what was wrong with him?

Well, he knew exactly what it was. He just refused to admit it to himself. He refused to acknowledge the itching in his mind every time he got called a guy. That happened to everyone, right? Right?! He pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance. There was nothing he could do. Smoothing out his hair, he pulled his headphones back on.

The sudden assault on his ears had him swearing and almost taking them back off again. He couldn’t hear much, but it sounded like a lot of arguing and reassurances that fell on deaf ears. What had happened in the 30 seconds he was gone? He dragged his chair back to his desk and sat down on it with a huff. He took a deep breath before interrupting the frantic conversation.

“What in the literal hell are you all on about? I leave for half a minute just to come back to complete—” A shout from Tubbo cut him off from talking.

“Tommy! You’re alive! What was that? Are you ok? What happened?!” Phil added on. “We were a bit worried, mate.” Tommy was speechless for a moment. He honestly thought they wouldn’t have noticed. Bloody hell, he thought he muted his microphone.

“I uh—I got frustrated by something. Nothing to worry about. Sorry to cause a thing. Sorry,” Tommy managed to stutter out. He twisted his hands in the fabric of his hoodie. The silence was quite ominous. Normally it would be comfortable, but now he felt like he was waiting for a judgment to come to pass.

Wilbur spoke up. “Um—well, it didn’t sound like nothing. You’ve been a bit off all night. It’s just me, Phil, Techno and Tubbo here. You can trust us, trust me. I hope you know that, little bro.” Tommy flinched and jerked his knee. It hit the bottom of his desk with a dull thud as he sucked in a gasp of pain.

“Yeah—uh, just fine, all fine, don’t worry, I’m sorry—” He was cut off once again. It was starting to get a bit annoying. The surprising thing was that it was Techno. He rarely talked in calls unless directly addressed, or when it was the perfect chance for a joke at the expense of one of his brothers. So it was a bit strange for him to be the one to interrupt this time.

“Tommy, Tommy, it’s _fine_. You don’t have to tell us if you don’t want to. We were just worryin’ a bit ‘cause we heard a shout and then nothin’ else from you. You got Tubbo freakin out a bit after you weren’t respondin’. Of course you don’t have to tell us what’s goin’ on, just, whatever it is, you know we’re not goin’ to judge you. Anythin’, whatever it is, you can tell us. We just got a bit worried about a shout and then silence from our little brother. Especially ‘cause you’re home alone and have been stranger than usual all day,” The usually monotone voice had a degree of kindness and sympathy it normally lacked. It gave Tommy a weak smile.

What was he going to tell them? They were moving on, leaving him be with his thoughts as Wilbur strummed a few chords on his guitar and hummed a tune. He couldn’t focus on anything, not the call, not his screen. The world was growing fuzzy again, and this time it wasn’t relaxing at all. It was terrifying.

He hit his fist on the desk with a loud thump. A pen rolled off onto the floor. A clock sounded the seconds loudly from somewhere else in the house. His nose was cold. The call had fallen silent.

“I—I haven’t been able to focus all day. I’m really tired and keep spacing out. I, um—well, I think I figured out something I’ve been trying not to think about for years. Years and years and years. I would shove it all down. But today, being tired, spacing out—it won’t go away. They won’t go away. I can’t force them out, and I have to think about it, and-and it’s not something I want to let myself think about.”

His hands were shaking. Tommy was shaking. He was shaking and breathing hard, and he couldn’t stop his hands from trembling as his ears rang. He waited for someone to respond, to judge him. But it never came. They were waiting for him to go on.

“When I look in the mirror, I can hardly recognize who I see. My head is all screwed up in all the wrong ways. How I was raised… I was raised to be exactly who everyone expected of me. I’m the annoying teenager, I can do that. I can play that role. But the part—the part that trips me up is the ‘guy’ bit.” His voice broke and he couldn’t figure out what words he was to fit together, what he was supposed to say. There was no script for this.

“Go on, keep going, you can tell us.” Phil encouraged. Tommy squeezed his hands into fists and pushed forward.

“It just—it just doesn’t fit. I can’t fit into this role that everyone wants, expects me to be. Why can’t I? I don’t know. Well, I do. But I don’t! I can’t accept it. I can’t accept this. I can’t be different, I just—can’t. If I’m not TommyInnit, the loud, sixteen-year-old loud streamer, kinda stupid, annoying, teenage guy. Who would I be otherwise?” The silence prompted him to continue.

“When I look in mirrors, when I can’t recognize myself, it’s not that I hate the way I look, I honestly couldn’t care less about that. Who cares how anyone looks? It’s how other people see me is what gets me. It’s just-I hate being perceived as a dude. It feels wrong. Oh, so, _so_ wrong. I can’t explain it, it just, doesn’t fit, y’know? I can’t wrap my head around it. I haven’t wrapped my head around it. But for the first time in maybe my entire life, I’m listening to what my head has been screaming to tell me, and it’s this. I don’t know what to think. Who am I, really?”

The long silence that echoed after his rambling explanation felt so very dangerous. Tommy pressed the heels of his hands into his temples and tried not to panic. He wanted to leave, to run, to vanish, but he knew that would only make everything worse. He could only sit and wait for the judgment from the people he trusted most in the world.

To his surprise, it was Wilbur who spoke first. The care in his voice made Tommy hug himself tighter. “Tommy, are you ok? That kind of realization must be pretty stressful, and you don’t sound like you’re coping very well over there. Is there anything we can do?” He didn’t respond. He didn’t know how to. How could he ever describe this? It was a nightmare. Phil spoke up next.

“Hey Tommy, I can’t even imagine what’s going through your head right now. I really, really wish we could help, but I don’t think any of us has any sort of experience that could help you through this.” He paused as if considering an idea. “Eret is still online. Would you like me to ask them to join the call? Or you could call them on your own. You don’t have to do anything at all either, but they might be able to help you out at least a little bit,” Phill offered.

Tommy paused to consider it. Eret had always been kind to him, and he trusted them. And maybe they really could help figure out whatever was going on in his brain. He sat up slowly, nervously running his hands through his hair before speaking up in a slightly shaky voice.

“I think that would be a cool idea, I trust Eret. But I, uh—I don’t want to bother them at all. They shouldn’t have to help me with this if they don’t want to.” He dropped his head into his hands.

“Well, I think it’s a great idea, but as long as you’re fine with it, Tommy?” He hummed his agreement in response to Tubbo. “Well, he’s not streaming, so I don’t see the point in delaying this.”

`Tubbo_: hey @Its_Eret could you join us in vc for a bit?`

Tommy saw the message pop up in the text chat as his anxiety levels kept rising. They didn’t have to wait long for their response.

`Its_Eret: yea sure, i’ll be right on`

The sound of the discord join notification echoed in Tommy’s headset. The call was awkwardly quiet for a couple of seconds until Tubbo greeted him cheerfully.

“So, what’s up? For what honor is being bestowed upon me on this fine, uh, night,” Eret asked. The call was silent for another moment. No one spoke up or knew how to explain what was going on. Tommy could feel himself getting fed up and just blurted it out.

“Well—uh, I may have just realized that I might not be a guy?” A faint shuffling noise and a thud made it pretty clear to everyone that Eret had fallen out of their chair. As the others chuckled, Tommy took the chance to keep going.

“I promise I’m not making this up or anything or trying to make fun of you. Tonight has been a rough night and intrusive thoughts kept getting in and this really specific one wouldn’t leave me alone and I couldn’t just shove it down and ignore it like I always had instead I was forced to face it and it—it’s terrifying. This is _terrifying_. I’m sorry for springing this on you but I managed to tell these guys, and they weren’t sure how to help ‘n then someone suggested you and I thought it would be a good idea and I’m sorry for bothering you I’m—” Eret finally managed to cut off Tommy’s ramble after a long moment of shock.

“Hey, hey, it’s ok. You don’t have to apologize. For anything about this. It’s not your fault and there is nothing wrong with you. Do you want to explain to me exactly what’s spiraling around up there?” Eret spoke reassuringly. Tommy told a deep breath and tried to consciously filter the amount of words he was going to say.

“Well, um, like I said, it’s stayed in the back of my head for years, but I’ve always ignored it. My parents, oh god, my parents are not exactly the accepting type. I guess that stuck with my brain and I’ve repressed it for years up until now where it finally decided I couldn’t ignore it anymore. I’ve never admitted it to myself, let alone said it out loud, but uh-I don’t like that people think of me as a boy. I don’t like being called ‘big man’. ‘He’ just feels so, so wrong, and I can’t believe I never realized this before. It was so obvious looking back. I just-why now, and how, what am I supposed to do, what even am I? I have no idea. I’m sorry for dragging you into this Eret, but I really need some help.” Tommy finished off his small tangent with a tinge of desperation in his voice. He tapped his fingers as he anxiously waited for Eret’s response.

“Well, Tommy, that does sound quite a bit like dysphoria to me. And the repressing for years? I get that. I really, really do. But I can’t tell you who you are. Labels are for you to figure out of you don’t even have to use them at all. It’s all up to you and what research you do. But telling me, and your friends? That’s a huge step, and I’m really proud of you. I think you are very brave. Is there another name you would like? Or different pronouns? We can help you figure them out right now if you like,” Eret’s comforting voice and validation had Tommy feeling warm and tears well up in his eyes.

“Well, um, I think I like my name, it’s comfortable and familiar. I don’t think I want to change it. Other pronouns? Like they/them? I’d be okay with trying those out, but I am really lost right now, sorry.” His mind still felt cloudy and the sleepiness from the late hour was starting to set in.

“That’s completely alright, Tommy. You don’t have to rush into this. We can try them out right now if you really want to, but it sounds like you’re exhausted. It’s already really late where you are,” Eret’s words were gentle as they spoke. Tommy hummed in agreement.

“Yea, but it’s still not that late yet… 4 am really isn’t that bad.” Techno snorted, but the rest remained quiet, not wanting to make Tommy uncomfortable. They could sense Eret’s fond exasperation from across an ocean and a continent.

“This is my friend Tommy. They are such an awesome person, and I hope they sleep soon because they sound fucking exhausted and like they really need it. Can you please sleep soon, Tommy? I’m a bit worried about your mental state being up this late. Especially since you mentioned other intrusive thoughts earlier,” Eret’s words were comforting, even though Tommy sputtered in protest. A smile crept onto their face as they listened.

“ _Eyy_ , I really liked that. Like, way more than I probably should’ve. Could you all use those now? They feel really not-icky. Oh, and Eret, how could you! You have might’ve activated Dadza, and he will berate me to go to bed until I do. Even though he and Wilbur are in literally the same time zone,” The humor returning to Tommy’s voice gave everyone else in the call a sense of relief. They were all worried.

“They’re not wrong, Tommy, you really _do_ need to sleep.” Tommy booed as Phil continued on. “Do you want us to make an announcement on just this server for you, just saying to use they/them? Completely up to you and if you want to wait on that it’s totally fine,” Phil suggested. Tommy stopped to consider it for a moment.

“I think I‘m going to sleep now, today has been draining and you all might be right for once,” Tommy admitted. There was a faint chuckle from Eret and Wilbur. “Feel free to tell the server, I think I need to sleep on this just to process but that would help out a lot. Thanks so, so much though.” Wilbur was the final one to speak up.

“Okay Tommy, we’ll work out the announcement once you leave. But knowing you, you’ll stay an hour if we get sucked into another conversation. Plus, I can practically hear Phil gearing up for another parental yet hypocritical lecture about sleep schedules. Sleep well, okay?” Tommy smiled to themself before agreeing and wishing them goodnight.

The disconnect sound pinged through their brain as they were once again left alone with their thoughts. They rested their headphones on the desk. The bad ones hadn’t gone away, of course, but they were a lot quieter now. They could actually hear themself think.

It was strange how their worldview had shifted so much in just a couple of hours. It was like everything was illuminated in a new light. They could see everything differently.

Tommy managed to make their way over to their bed before collapsing onto it. Their eyes drooped as they stared up at the ceiling. Their computer still lit his room with a soft glow. They burrowed under the blankets and started to drift off into a peaceful sleep. Before they could, they heard the notification sound of a ping from the computer speaker. They smiled slightly as they could finally escape their thoughts in sleep.

`WilburSoot: @everyone Tommy is now going by they/them pronouns, please respect and support them`

`Its_Eret: so proud of you tommy! <333`

`Technoblade: Misgender them and I break your face.`

`Ph1LzA: Congrats Tommy, you gremlin child`

`Tubbo_: eyyyy enbyinnit!!!!!!`

Tommy wouldn’t see them until they woke up that afternoon, but their friends all posting heartwarming and supportive messages brought tears to their eyes when they did. They were so supremely grateful for all of them. They could finally move forward.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! hope i inspired some others to write some amab nonbinary tommy cause jfc do we need it-now onto a new day, and maybe some content for techno and eret in the future :))) please drop a comment below, would love to hear what ya think


End file.
